List of humerous jokes

One Line Jokes
Religious Jokes
School Jokes
Redneck Jokes
Fart Jokes
Yo Momma Jokes

On a cold, cold night two bulls are standing in a field. One says "Boy it's mighty cold out here!", the other says "Yes, I think I might slip into a nice Jersey".

If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster. What would you have? 2 ft. of my cock in your ass.

What's slimy cold long and smells like pork
Kermit the frogs finger

what is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12

heello, iss tthhatt thhee sshhoop iii boouugghht thhee vviibbrrattorr ffrroomm. yes. ccaann yyoouu tteell mmee hhooww ttoo ttuurrnn tthhee ffuucckkiinngg tthhiinngg ooffff.

What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic = using a feather
Kinky = using the whole chicken

Why are men like cars?
Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

Q: Why doesn't a chicken wear pants?
A: Because his pecker is on his head!

Q. What did the penis say to the condom?
A. Cover me im going in!

Q. What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits a windscreen?
A. It's arse!

Q. What does a guy and a car have in common?
A. They both have the ability to misfire.

Q. Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
A. Because their plugged into a genius!

Q. What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A. If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!

Q. How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?
A. She has her tampon behind her ear,and she can`t find her cigarette.

Q. Why dont blind men skydive?
A. Because it scares the shit out of the dog

Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A. Mega-saur-ass

Q. Whats the difference between a wife and a girlfriend ?
A. 3 Stone !

Johnny, George, and Bert were driving along in their pickup when they saw a sheep caught in the fence with its hind end up in the air.
Bert said, "I wish that was Sharon Stone."
George echoed, "I wish it was Demi Moore."
Little Johnny sighed, "I wish it was dark . . . "

Q: What do you do when your wife's staggering?
A: Shoot her again.

Q: What is the difference between and Virgin and a washing machine?
A: The washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it!

Mickey goes to the judge after speaking to him before about getting a divorce with Minney. The judge says "I'm sorry Mickey but I couldn't find grounds for divorce for being insane. Mickey looks stunned and says "I didn't say she was insane I said she was fuc**** Goofy

Q: What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs?
A: A clit round the ear and a flap across the face

Bungee jumping is like getting a blowjob off your granny, It feels great but for christs sake don't look down.

Wanna hear a dirty joke? A little boy falls into the mud
Wanna hear a clean joke? He takes a bath with bubbles
Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is Michal Jackson.

Here I sit in misty vapour in a shithouse with no paper
I have no time to sit and linger watch out asshole here comes finger.

What is the difference between a sin and shame?
It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.

Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"

Q. Why don't guys like to preform oral sex on a woman the morning after sex?
A. Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

Q. Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC?
A. Because its finger licking good!

Q. What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?
A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!

Q. What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs ???......
A. A clit around the ear and a flap across the face

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One day three monks were told by the minister that today was their day off, to do whatever they want, and at the end of the day, god would forgive them of their sins.
The monks thought this sounded like a good idea so they went off into the city.
At the end of the day the three monks returned to the church and the minister greeted them.
The first monk came up, and the minister asked, "What did you do today". The monk replied "I robbed an off-license."
"Good" the minister replied. "Go and drink from the holy water".
The second monk came up and the minister asked the same question. "I vandalised a primary school" he answered.
"Good" the minister replied. "Go and drink from the holy water".
The third monk stepped up and the minister repeated "and what did you do today". "I pissed in the holy water", came the reply.

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balchoy."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story.

Two priest's were taking a piss in the urinals one day and the one priest looks down and see's a nicotine patch on the other guy's dick. He says "Im not really a rocket scientist or anything, but, isnt that supposed to be on your arm?" And the other priest goes "Nah, it's working fine. Im down to two butts a day"!

It was a hot day outside..so the three nuns decided to take off there clothes and bolt the door to there church.
Since there was stain glass windows, nobody could see inside, and the door was locked.
The nuns were busy doing renovations when a Thud Thud Thud hit the door.
The shocked nun ran to the door and pulled her clothes up over herself, when she asked "Who is it"?
The reply from behind the door was "Its the blind man".
The 3 nuns looked relieved when they heard he was the blind man, no sight no problem they figured, and let him in.
Upon opening the door, in entered a burly man in coveralls and said "Holy shit sister nice tits!! ... Where do you want your blinds? "

The head Nun of the convent called all 100 Nuns into the foyer for an emergency meeting.
"Last night," She started "I found something terrible in one of the sisters rooms." 99 Nuns "Oh no" 1 Nun "He, he"
"A condom!" said the head Nun. 99 Nuns "Oh no" 1 Nun "He, he"
Head Nun "And it was used!" 99 Nuns "Oh no" 1 Nun "He, he"
Head Nun "And it had a hole in it!" 1 Nun "Oh no" 99 Nuns "He, he"

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These are real comments made by teachers on their student report cards.
1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead

There were three guys at a bar.
One was a college student, one was a buisness man and the other was a biker.
The student tells the two other men that it was his aniversary and he got his wife a pearl necklace and a trip to the Bahamas "Shit if she doesnt like the necklace she'll love the trip" he said.
So the buisness man said "That's nice, for my last aniversary I got my wife a Mercades and a new mansion, if she didn't like the mercades she has to like the new mansion. "
As the biker finished his drink he said "For my last aniversary I got my wife a t-shirt and a vibrator. If she didn't like the t-shirt she can go fuck herself"

Joey and Katie are sitting in school.
Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question.
"Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?" Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty! !" Exclaimed Katie.
"Correct." Says the teacher.
So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up "Who created Heaven and Earth?" Katie (Again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil "Jesus Christ almighty!" she exclaims.
"Correct again." Says the teacher.
So the next day, for a 3rd time, The teacher asks Katie "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"
Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil again, and screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to crack it in half!"

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There is a Redneck Cop sleeping in his cruiser one night.
All of a sudden he is awakened by a loud crash.
The cop gets out of his car and walks up the road a piece when he notices a car in the ditch.
"Damn" he says, "There's a car in the ditch!"
He takes out his notebook and writes "car in D-I-T-C-H" for his report.
He walk up the raod a bit further and notices another car in the ditch.
So he writes "another car in ditch....D-I-T-C-H" for his report.
The cop decides to head back to his car to make the report when he notices a head in the middle of the boulevard.
"Damn, somebody's head's in the middle of the boulevard!"
He gets out his notebook again and begins writing "head in middle of"
Then he thinks, boulevard? "B-O..." no, no "B-U..."
"Aww hell" he says and he kicks the head into the ditch
"D-I-T-C-H"

Two rednecks, Jake and Bubba, were sitting in a bar one night watching rasslin' on the tube. At the end of the match was an advertisement. A loud, obnoxious character came on screaming about the $10,000 dollars prize money for anyone who could defeat "The Killer".
Jake looked at Bubba, a 6' 4" giant with the brain the size of a pea, and got an idea. He told Bubba, "I bet you could beat that guy. He doesn't look so rough, and you're no wimp." Bubba thought about it for a minute and agreed that he probably could.
The next weekend Jake and Bubba went down to the stadium where the tournament was to be held and signed Bubba up. An old man came up and started briefing them on the rules of the contest and such. Jake, seeing Bubba was a bit nervous, asked the old man for any tips. The old man looked up to Bubba and said, "Just you watch out for his pretzel hold. Ain't nobody ever gotten out that thing."
One by one, the contestants ahead of Bubba went in and came back balled up and hurting. Two hours after they arrived, Bubba's turn was finally up. In the ring, right before the bell rang, Bubba looked back at Jake and said, "Don't worry buddy. I can avoid that pretzel thing." But not ten seconds after he had gotten up in the ring was The Killer laying on top of the contorted ball of Bubba and the referee was pounding the mat, counting to ten.
Jake screamed and started walking back to the locker rooms. He was pissed. He had shelled out $500 to get Bubba in this contest, and it didn't last 20 seconds. But right before he got to the door, the crowd went wild! Jake ran back to the ring to see Bubba with one foot on top of the unconscious Killer and one armed raised in the air by the referee.
Jake ran into the ring and jumped on Bubba. The crowd was out of control, and Jake and Bubba were $10,000 richer!
Later in the locker room, Jake confessed to Bubba he didn't see what happened. Bubba said, "Well, The Killer got me in his pretzel hold and I thought all was lost. I hurt like I'd never hurt before and all I could hear was the ref slamming his hand down counting to ten. Then I looked and in front of me I saw this big, hairy sack of balls. I had nothing to lose and figured it might even help. So I stretched a little further and bit down as hard as I could on those things."
"Jake," Bubba said. "You wouldn't believe the strength a man gets when he bites his own balls."

A redneck family are visiting a big city for the first time.
The father ans son are in the hotel lobby when the spot an elevator.
"What's that Paw?" The boy asked.
"I ain't never did see nothin' like that in my life" Replied the father.
Seconds later an old frail woman walks in the hotel door and hobbles to the elevator. She presses the button with her cain, waits for the doors to open and gets in.
The father and son, still amazed by this contraption, continue to watch.
They hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a beautiful 20 year old busty blonde.
The father looks at his son and says "Go get your Maw !"

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You ever cut your grass and found a car.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.
You own a homemade fur coat.
The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.
The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.

Bobby-joe was riding in Jeds truck
Jed pulled over, got out and pointed down yawnder and said, "Thats where I first had sex."
Bobby-Joe said,"How was it."
Jed said,"It was great til' I looked up and saw her mom was watching."
Bobby-Joe yelled,"Oh shit, what did she say??"
Jed repiled "Baaa"

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A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.
He has a bad case of gas and really needs to releive some pressure.
Luckly, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.
He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."
The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.
This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you."

John is in Amsterdam and visits a nudist colony there.
While wandering around naked he sopts a gorgeous blonde and he immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over and says "Sir, did you call for me?"
John replies: "No!"
She says "Well, it's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it means you called for me."
She then layes him down and starts making love to him.
Later that day John visits the sauna, but as he sits down he farts. A huge big hairy guy get up, drops his towel to show a huge erection and says "Sir, did you call for me?"
John replies, "No!"
The man says, "It's a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The man then knocks John to the floor and has his way with him.
As soon as he's finished John rushes back to his room, grabs all his things and heads for the exit. On his way out he's stopped by the manager he askes "Can I help you ?"
John says "Here's my room keys I'm leaving early"
The manager asks why and John replies "I'm 60 years old, I get an erection once a week but I fart 20 times a day !!"

Funny euphemisms people use for farts ...
Gravy Pants
Firing Scud Missiles
Turd Honking
Mud Duck
Panty Burps
Pant Stainers
Cut the Cheese
Trouser Cough
K-Fart
Crack Splitters
Turd Tooties
Anal Audio
Great Brown Cloud
Exercising the meat nozzle

The teacher walks into the room and says... "OK class todays word is DEFINITLY, can anyone use the word in a sentence."
Little Susie stands up and say "The sky is DEFINITLY blue."
The teacher says; "Not necisarrily Susie, it can be blue, gray, or black, but nice try."
Little Johnny is in the back of the room and is waving his hands back and forth.
The teacher says " Yes Johnny, What is it?"
Johnny says " I have a question."
OK lets hear it, says the teacher.
Johnny says "Do Farts have lumps?"
The teacher says, "Well no they don't."
Little Johnny says "Well then I DEFINITLY just shit my pants!!!"

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Yo mama's so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone!
Yo mama's arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear!
Yo mama's mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound!
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow she spits butter!
Yo mama's so skinny she turned sideways and disappeared!
Yo mama's so short she does backflips under the bed!
Yo mama's so short you can see her feet on her drivers licence!
Yo mama's so poor she can't afford to pay attention!
Yo mama's so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed!
Yo mama's so greasy companies buy their Oil from her!
Yo mama's so flat she's jealous of the wall!
Yo mama's so poor she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people's fingers!
Yo mama's so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning!
Yo mama's so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs!
Yo mama's so bald you can see whats on her mind!
Yo mama's so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway!
Yo mama's so fat when her beeper goes off, people think she is backing up!
Yo mama's so fat people jog around her for exercise!
Yo mama's so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone!
Yo mama's so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors!
Yo mama's so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world!
Yo mama's so fat she lays on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy!
Yo mama's so fat she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"
Yo mama's so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"
Yo mama's so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint roller!
Yo mama's so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets!
Yo mama's so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave., she landed on 12th!
Yo mama's so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too!
Yo mama's so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"!
Yo mama's so fat when she steps on a scale, it reads "one at a time, please"!
Yo mama's so fat she fell in love and broke it!
Yo mama's so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued!
Yo mama's so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!
Yo mama's so fat she's got her own area code!
Yo mama's so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen!
Yo mama's so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!
Yo mama's so fat she uses entire trees to pick her teeth!
Yo mama's so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles!
Yo mama's so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl!
Yo mama's so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"!
Yo mama's so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!
Yo mama's so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks!
Yo mama's so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Car!
Yo mama's so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
Yo mama's so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!
Yo mama's so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
Yo mama's so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!
Yo mama's so fat that her senior pictures had to be aerial views!
Yo mama's so fat she's on both sides of the family!
Yo mama's so fat every time she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!
Yo mama's so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!
Yo mama's so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!
Yo mama's so fat that she cant tie her own shoes.
Yo mama's so fat sets off car alarms when she runs!
Yo mama's so fat she cant reach her back pocket!
Yo mama's so old her social security number is 1!
Yo mama's so old she flicked the switch when god said let there be light!
Yo mama's so old that when she was in school there was no history class!
Yo mama's so old she's in Jesus's yearbook!
Yo mama's so old her birth certificate says expired on it!
Yo mama's so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince!
Yo mama's so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper!
Yo mama's so old she ran track with dinosaurs!
Yo mama's so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals!
Yo mama's so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook!
Yo mama's so old she sat behind Jesus in the third grade!
Yo mama's so stupid when she saw the under 17 not admitted sign, she went home and got 16 friends!
Yo mama's so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes!
Yo mama's so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
Yo mama's so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!
Yo mama's so stupid that she sold the car for gas money!
Yo mama's so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911?"!
Yo mama's so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept!
Yo mama's so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K."!
Yo mama's so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out!

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